Billy Connolly Quotes & Sayings

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”

“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.”

“Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.”

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”

“I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.”

“My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”

“Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.”

“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

“If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”

“I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.”