Joan Rivers Quotes & Sayings

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

“Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.”

“Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.”

“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.”

“I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

“Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.”

“Never floss with a stranger.”

“Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.”