Steven Wright Quotes & Sayings

“I invented the cordless extension cord.”

“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”

“What's another word for Thesaurus?”

“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”