Demetri Martin Quotes & Sayings (Page 3)

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Demetri Martin quotes and sayings page 3 (50 year old comedian). Here's quote # 21 through 30 out of the 88 we have for him.

Demetri Martin Quotes
“I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.”
Demetri Martin Quotes
“If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.”
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'”
Demetri Martin Quotes
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”
Demetri Martin Quotes
“A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.”
“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
Demetri Martin Quotes
“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.”
Demetri Martin Quotes
“If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
Demetri Martin Quotes
“Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.”
Demetri Martin Quotes
“The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.”

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