Stephen Colbert Quotes & Sayings

“It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.”

“Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.”

“I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character.”

“Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.”

“I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.”

“If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.”

“I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?”

“And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.”

“I can't prove it, but I can say it.”

“I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.”