Emo Philips Quotes & Sayings

42 most famous Emo Philips quotes and sayings. These are the first 10 quotes we have for him. He's a 68 year old American comedian born on Feb 14, 1956.

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”

“I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.”

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”

“My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.”

“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'”

“He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.”

“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”

“Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.”