Emo Philips Quotes & Sayings (Page 2)

“The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.”

“I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'”

“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”

“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”

“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”

“When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.”

“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”

“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'”

“You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.”

“Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.”