Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Sayings (Page 2)

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”

“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”

“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.”

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”

“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”

“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”