Joan Rivers Quotes & Sayings (Page 2)

“I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.”

“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.”

“Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.”

“I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.”

“Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.”

“I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.”

“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'”

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

“Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.”

“Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.”