Joan Rivers Quotes & Sayings (Page 4)

“I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.”

“As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.”

“I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.”

“Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.”

“My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.”

“I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.”

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”

“I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.”