Joan Rivers Quotes & Sayings (Page 3)

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

“It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.”

“I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.”

“With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.”

“I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.”

“I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.”

“Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.”

“Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.”