Steven Wright Quotes & Sayings (Page 2)

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'”

“I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.”

“I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.”

“I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.”

“I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'”

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'”

“Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.”

“I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.”