Steven Wright Quotes & Sayings (Page 9)

“I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'”

“In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.”

“I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.”

“I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.”

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”

“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”

“My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”